I'm Leaving This Blank


Friday, November 16, 2012
:'( at 1:39 AM

My 21st is approaching.

I had a gathering with my uncles and aunties the other day.
(I feel so loved, tho)

But someone was missing,
the very important someone.

My ahma.


I dun really care about the angbao that she'll definitely give.

I just miss her presence.
I miss kissing her on her cheeks and holding onto her wrinkled hands.
(the last time I did that was grocery shopping at tampines mart)

I miss her chuckles.

I miss how she says " Ma lai xi ark (duck in hokkien)" - malaysia in chinese <malaixiya>

I miss how she kept saying that I'm a picky eater (cos I dun like mock meat.), my grandma's a vegetarian btw.

I just miss her so much that I kept telling myself,
not to think of her.

but its because of such gatherings,
it makes me think of her even more.
and there's so much "if only"s

I hate emo-ing over such issues. But this is really the first time I have ever lost someone so dear to me.
Ever since then, I have a phobia of attending funerals cos I feel like crying whenever Im there.

Its like a trauma.
Whenever I speak of the word "grandma",
I'll just tear. and I have to put on a strong front cos its silly to just cry so suddenly,

So much pent up emotions.

I just miss you so much, ah ma.

So many things I wished I have done for you.
I wished that I wasnt that busy, so that I could accompany you thru those tortuous remaining days of yours.
I'm so insensitive.
I rly hate myself...

Now that I can afford to give you allowance, I'll never ever have the chance to...

Why :'(

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xoxo,
eexuanthemaos




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Ng Ee Xuan. 19.11.1991. For shoots and enquiries, please email me at: eexuan91@live.com.sg




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